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Oct. 23rd, 2011 @ 03:13 pm The bad
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
True confessions: I used to write my blog entries when I got bored at work, and post them later from home. Now that I am retired I have lots more to do, so I don’t just sit around trying to look busy when I’m not, and my blogging has fallen off a cliff.

Now I am in a dilemma about Champagne (my horse, if you may remember) and I am so very conflicted. Oh my.

A couple of months ago he went lame in the right hind. I called the vet, who did some kind of scan and diagnosed inflammation (but no arthritis) in his stifle. So, injection with a corticosteroid, hyaluronic acid, and an antibiotic. Ten days stall rest, then ride.

After ten days he was a lot better, but still something was off at the trot. I didn’t try to canter. The vet had taken a month off, so I called the covering vet, who diagnosed an evulsion of a muscle near the trochanter. 8 weeks stall rest, then gradual return to work by hand walking for increasing amounts of time for a month, then return to mounted walking on the level, with slow increases in time and activity level. Oh yikes.

Yesterday I went to a clinic with a very high credentials equine massage therapist. He looked at him, said he has extensive muscle atrophy on his whole right side (and truly, his right has always been his weaker side, and his right shoulder has always been small compared to his left). Plus, he has a sway back.

So this guy said my 17 year old horse looked like “an old 20”. He recommended trying long lining to build up the right side before ever riding him again. He said massage would not help unless the right side was strengthened first. He seemed totally honest. If he is right, I have a basically useless horse. I don’t have long lining skills, and I don’t know if I could build him up if I did, given his confirmation.

This is my first horse. He is a school master, and he has taught me so much about dressage. He has pretty much taught me to ride and how to keep a horse. Nobody will want to buy him if he isn’t sound, and anyway I don’t think I could sell him into an unknown future.

One answer is to just keep him for the next 20 years doing nothing, but that is very costly what with vet and farrier and floating teeth and feed and special attention for his IRness (feeding 4 times a day, etc.) and meanwhile I have no horse to ride.

Another answer would be to put him down, but he is my dearly beloved horse. How could I do that? He isn’t in any pain that I can see.

I am going to seek another opinion about this guy’s opinion, but I can see for myself the muscle atrophy, and have no idea what is the cause. I can’t believe how heavy I feel. In some ways it would be easier to hear he was dying. At least then I would have a clear way to know how to help him.
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fond gaze
Jul. 6th, 2011 @ 01:09 pm Interview with Kris: Questions by Me
Current Mood: enthralledenthralled
Q: You seem happy with your move from Massachusetts to the Olympic Peninsula.

A: Yes, buoyantly so. This place is a paradise.

Q: That's a bit strong, don't you think? After all, it isn't Tahiti.

A: Not too strong at all. Take today for example. It is July 6. Back in Massachusetts it'll be in the 80s, probably near 90, 90% humidity, and oppressive. Air conditioning here they come. But even indoors it will be sticky. Here, today, the sun is shining broadly, the air is clear and pure and dry, a cool little breeze is blowing, and the temp so far is 70. For me, perfect.

Q: It isn't always so nice there.

A: No, but it often is, and even after living through one of the coldest springs and wettest winters on record here (courtesy of La Nina) it is still mostly nicer here than there.

Q: You look tan, tanner than usual.

A: I'm outside all the time! In Massachusetts I'd be lounging on the couch reading. Here it is just too beautiful to stay cooped indoors.

Q: You do have a nice view.

A: Just looking at those mountains as I walk down to the barn lifts my spirits.

Q: Mucking out and dealing on an intimate daily basis with horse manure is new for you. Kind of yucky, right?

A: Actually I don't mind at all. Ken calls it “the zen of mucking out”. It is a daily chance to go out in the morning and do an hour of bending, stretching, lifting, hauling, the kinds of things you might do in a gym with weights for no reason, but here having a purpose. It is surprisingly satisfying to create compost on this scale, too. And the compost doesn't smell, and there are very few bugs.

Q: Come on. No bugs?

A: Well, there are some tiny flies just on the compost. But there are virtually no mosquitoes. Very few house flies. Some bees/wasps, but in Massachusetts we slid through the narrowest opening in the screen door that was possible, and still mosquitoes would get in. Here there are so few bugs that we get careless, and sometimes a fly comes indoors.

Q: I suppose the flies are special too.

A: No, but much of the flora and fauna is new to me. It is so fun to learn about Indian plum, star flower, madrona, black headed grosbeaks, black tail deer, and salal, and see eagles from time to time.

Q: There must be noxious plants too.

A: Well we have nettles, a couple of types of thorny thistles, and the ubiquitous raspberry thickets. But as far as I can tell, no poison ivy, and you can eat the blackberries to your heart's content.

Q: You've said that living there seems like living in the White Mountains of New Hampshire . . .

A: . . . except with really BIG mountains all covered with snow still, even though it is July . . .

Q: . . . but don't you live in a seaport?

A: Yes, so it's like living near Franconia Notch, only with Rockport/Cape Ann just down the road. I swear I heard a fog horn this morning. The fog had settled in the valleys and over the ocean, but we were in sun up here on the hill. And that means we get really fantastic seafood. Alaskan salmon, dungeness crabs, day boat halibut . . . a feast!

Q: Okay, that does sound good, but still, paradise? You and Ken have been doing a lot to make changes and work on the place. If it were really paradise, wouldn't it already be perfect?

A: I think having projects and things to putter on is part of what makes the place so ideal for us. Because we are retired, and because all our basic needs are already met, there is no time pressure. So if we want to spend a week building the world's most highly engineered compost heap, we can do it just to please ourselves. How much of the property do we want to mow? Would we like a woodland trail here or there? Does the riding arena need weeding, and how nice does it look afterwards? That kind of work is pure play. Deeply satisfying.

Q: No chance you want to move back, I suppose?

A: Oh my, I don't even want to leave for a weekend! Living here is like a vacation all the time. Live. Breathe. Stretch. Grow. Love.
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mountains
Mar. 21st, 2011 @ 11:51 am Slow motion spring
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
In Massachusetts spring comes on very quickly once it starts.

When the daffodil buds lop over, they show color the next day and within two days they are in full bloom. The azalea shows color, blooms, and goes by in a week.

Things seem a bit different here. My (two) daffodils had lopped over for a week, showed colors for a week, and then s-l-o-o-o-w-l-y opened over the course of a week. The azaleas are beginning to open one or two blossoms in a cluster here and there.

One gripe I had about a New England spring was always: it is so lovely, and so very short. The delicate lacy colors get whacked by a few really hot days in early May, and then everything looks like full summer even if the weather goes back to spring.

I'm hoping that the very liesurely progress I see out there means that everything will last a while.
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fond gaze
Mar. 16th, 2011 @ 10:49 am Clark draws the line
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Champagne took the bossiness a little too far the other day, chasing Clark and trying to bite his rump. Finally Clark kicked out quite high with both hind hooves, missing Champagne's head by about an inch, and only because Champagne pulled sharply back just in time. Okay, THAT's where the line is. Case settled.

Two days ago when I took Champagne out of his stall to ride in the arena, Clark was all "OMG!!!! CHAMPAGNE! Don't LEAVE me!!!" He cantered about, calling and fretting, until he realized he could see Champagne beging ridden. Then he was OK again.

Meanwhile, Champagne is back to his pre-move self. Sluggish, half asleep, willing to go forward if he must, easy on the flexibility exercises but hard on the "stay straight" ones. Wind? What's that? No drama. I guess he likes being part of a herd, and the boss of the herd at that.

Today I'll try out my new flash on his bridle. Kim the instructor said he is avoiding contact with all the open mouth stuff. We'll see how he does . . .
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Trail ride
Mar. 10th, 2011 @ 02:04 pm The horse dance
Current Mood: amusedamused
“I'm such a lonely horse, lonely and blue . . .” is the song Champagne has been singing ever since he got here. Spooky, jumping at deer, hating the wind, hating the airplanes taking off down in the valley, restless, pacing, weaving, miserable.

So yesterday I got him a roommate. Clark, a small chestnut quarter horse gelding, moved in.

The minute the truck with the horse trailer attached came down the driveway, Champagne was alert and eager. When Clark unloaded, Champagne could hardly contain himself until the two could sniff noses. Champagne was all about, “YES! Mom finally listened! I am no longer an only horse!”

There was a lot of mutual sniffing through the bars between the stalls, but no upset, so Clark's mom Beth and I decided to let them have turn out together. That went really well too . . . sniffing, side-by-side grazing, a little exploring the paddocks, but sweet and calm.

Gradually, though, Champagne began to test the waters. His head came up, his ears came forward, his neck arched, his tail flagged, and he began cantering around quite splendidly. “Look at ME! I am the boss stallion here! I am soooo strong and beautiful. This is my place!”

Next he began showing Clark who was boss. “Move when I say move, or I'll bite your butt. I'll rear and kick (but I won't actually kick you). I'm here and you better pay attention.” No actual injuries, just horse language.

Champagne made it clear that BOTH stalls belong to him, and Clark can use his but only if Champagne doesn't object.

The two of them survived the night, and I fed them both this morning. It was windy and rainy, and Champagne sequestered himself in his own stall. I tried to feed Clark in his stall, but he would go in, get a mouthful, and come back out to chew it.

So far the remainder of today has been alternating 5 minutes of sun with 5 minutes of downpour, and continuous strong winds. Clark actually stood just outside his stall getting soaked while Champagne was in his own stall getting lunch. Now that it is sunny again, they are playing slow motion tag. Clark goes in his stall. Champagne goes in and drives him out. He poops outside Champagne's stall. Champagne goes into his own stall. Clark goes into his stall. Champagne herds him out.

No one is getting hurt, and it is fascinating to watch.
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Kris aboard
Mar. 7th, 2011 @ 10:42 am Pastorale
Current Mood: contentcontent
Talk about an atavistic response!

A deep harmonic resonance develops in my very core when I'm doing horse care.

Okay, yes, I'm talking about poop management, and okay, yes, I haven't been doing it long enough to grow stale at it, but still, what a high! I feed my boy his first flake and his meds around 7 AM, and I usually get a nice nicker of welcome. I wait to muck out until he's eaten and has wandered out into the paddocks. Then I'm out there with my shovel, rake, and muck cart. The birds are singing their spring songs. The early day is fresh and cool, but the work is enough to warm me. The mountains are out across the valley, and this morning the snowed peaks looked little different than the banked white clouds behind them. Sometimes the valley has collected fog, and the mountains look as if they're floating in the sky.

The paddocks look so healthy when the poop is gone, satisfying in a way that housework never is. Frozen poop is easy to clean up because it stays in nice lumps. Rained-on poop is not as easy, but not awful. Sometimes the horse comes and sniffs the muck bucket in a speculative way, just keeping me company.

Then there is the stall, get those soaked chips out of there, clean the water bucket and refill, strew the new chips and a fistful of hay for a “welcome back” treat for my boy. Each task has a gorgeous perfume (well, not the soaked chips) but the rest: clean, tangy bedding, sweet summery hay, rich horse droppings aroma, and the subtle scent of my boy himself. He smells like, well, a horse.

And last, there is the sound of hay munching, contented, with maybe a snort. The feeling inside me is also deeply contented. Things are right, clean, in order, and thrumming with groundedness. Deep breath. Yesssssssssss.
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mountains
Feb. 5th, 2011 @ 08:10 am Brand city
Current Mood: amusedamused
Our new house has:

A Sharp microwave
A GE refrigerator
A Maytag stove
A Whirlpool dishwasher

The only real loser in the bunch is the dishwasher. It works, yes, but: our plates are too big for either rack, things as large as a broiler pan don't fit, we can't stand our wine glasses up, and because of the way the inside is configured, it holds far less than our old one. Back in the day we could go three plus days before the machine was full enough to do a load. Here, with the two of us, we need to run it every day.

Plus, it is easy for something to shift inside and block one of the spinning arms, leading to total fail in terms of washing.

As well, prewashing the dishes wasn't really needed. OK, certain glue-like substances had to be rinsed off, but really for the most part the dishwasher actually washed the dishes. With this one we first have to scrub off virtually all visible crud. So tell me, what's the use of a machine that washes dishes if you have to wash the dishes before you use it?

So far the only thing I miss about our old house is our old dishwasher! (BTW, that one was a Maytag.)
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fond gaze
Feb. 3rd, 2011 @ 10:12 am New world order
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Who is that; I don't recognize her.

Or, oops, it's me.

There are likely other events that can happen to people that are as seismic, but most of them aren't that common. I'm thinking major illnesses like cancer or auto accidents with brain injury. Whack, you used to be someone, and now you're someone else.

But becoming a mother is just as sudden and just as transforming (though a good deal more pleasant!) It really is like an earthquake: all your various life themes have been all lined up in orderly rows, nice little strata of childhood, school, work, partnering, all kind of making sense to weave into a life story, and even leading up to getting pregnant. Then the baby.

Just like that, all the various themes fracture and shift. You are no longer the star player in your own world. Where is the baby? Who is the baby? What does the baby need? Is the baby breathing? Is the baby eating enough? Is the baby eating too much? What does that sound mean, and how can I be sure I'm doing the right thing for the baby? Baby awareness becomes your total gestalt.

All those interlinked life themes have to be reviewed. There is a new framework from which to consider everything. What did your own Mom do and how does that make a new kind of sense or nonsense now that you're a mom? Those starving orphans in Africa: sure you cared before but now you CARE. School? You got through, nothing special. But for your baby it must be REALLY special, because you fret about every detail. So there is a massive reordering of everything you thought you knew.

Going shopping? It is no longer “What would I like? What would look good on me?” Now it's “What can I get for the baby.” Eating? It is no longer “What would taste good to me now?” It's “What will nourish me best so I can nourish the baby?” Entertainment? No longer is it, “Let's go out to dinner and a movie and drinks with friends, we'll just sleep late tomorrow”. Instead, it is: “Well, I really don't want to leave the baby.” And if you do leave the baby, the event becomes, “I wonder how the baby is, I'll call and ask how the baby is, let's get home so I can see for myself that the baby is OK.”

It permeates everything. I remember going to see “The Way We Were”. Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford take a walk on the beach at one point, and the movie was totally ruined for me as my nerves were screeching, “But who is taking care of their CHILDREN? You don't just take a long romantic walk unless you've figured out child care!”

Now my daughter is a mom. Is she still herself? Yes, but also no. She is a mom first and herself second. She's a goner. She even likes it this way. She'll make a wonderful mother.

And it's up to me to figure out how to be a mother not only to my daughter, but to this new being, this mother.
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fond gaze
Feb. 2nd, 2011 @ 09:15 am Horse frost
Current Mood: amusedamused
A horse grazing in a frosted pasture is like reverse silly putty.

You know how silly putty can blot up color from the comic strips, leaving the comics themselves pale and faint?

Well, the horse nibbles the whited grasses, leaving behind a vivid green trail. Ice crispies?
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liquid ambar winter
Feb. 1st, 2011 @ 11:11 am What is home?
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
I understand that for many people home is being with a certain group of people. Or maybe it is a childhood residence. Maybe it is what Frost said, the place that when you go there, they have to take you in.

It seems that for me, home is a place I am connected to with strong, centered, emotional resonance. It has been a few places for me: my parent's house in Connecticut; our antique restoration in Massachusetts; and even though I only spent two weeks at a time for a few years there, a summer cabin in New Hampshire's White Mountains.

The house we had in Wayland? Yes, it was home in that I had a key to get in, my family lived there, I could make decisions about it with no one to say no as long as I paid my taxes. But it never really was home. It was always, as Ken said when he first saw it, “Like my grandparent's house in Florida” . . . someone else's place. It comforted him to live in a grownup's house; it was familiar-feeling to him. But it never was the home of my heart.

So now: this place is really home. It FEELS like home. I've lived here only a month, and have never even seen it in the fine summer weather. But click, it's a match. As if there were lonely home-receptors in my brain just waiting for the correct stimulus in order to lock on.

I guess I'm just a country girl. I love the wildish land. I love the airy views. I love the frequent wildlife sightings, birds, deer, coyotes, and unidentified scurrying things. I love that I have to walk a quarter of a mile to the mailbox. I love that I can't see another house from my house.

Oh yeah, this it it babe. Deep breath. It's me, I'm real here, I'm home.
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Sylvan pool